Tears of sadness; Tears of relief

It is so quiet around our house today. Samantha is off to school. Trevor is watching a show. And Nastya is on a plane back to the Ukraine along with a piece of my heart.

Sad, but still smiling

It's hard to believe that our much anticipated visit with her is already over. Last night was tough. We were finishing up our after dinner ice cream and, for the first time, Nastya asked me "I sleep now?" Very funny kid! For most of her visit we would get a "No sleep!" from her when we said bed time was coming. This actually became kind of a joke for us over the course of her visit. At any rate, I had to sadly tell her "No, you airport" which brought the tears on again for both of us. We had been prepping her for the past week and counting down so this wasn't a surprise; more a dreaded confirmation that the time had come.

She asked me to pull her hair into ponytails for the last time (this was a common occurrence...after the botched job I did on her braids, she never asked for that again!) And we both stood there with tears in our eyes. She looked so little all of a sudden. We got the last of her things together (her bag had been mostly packed for the past couple of days already) and headed downstairs to say goodbye to Trevor and Samantha. It's hard to tell how much of their tears were because they were tired (it was bedtime and Sam had been sick all day Sunday) but I know that they will miss having their "big sister" around and will be sad for a while. 

A little teary-eyed, but at least Panda is safe (thanks Grammy & Papa!)

On the drive to the airport Greg and I were joking with her about the fun things we did while she was here. We talked a little about her reunion with her sisters and friends and how fun that would be. We tried to be upbeat, but it was hard. 

At the airport she was happy to see her chaperone, Andrey, but she also became pretty solemn and quiet. Honestly, we were too. There just weren't any last words that made sense. And it wasn't just us. All of the host families seemed to be focusing on the mechanics of getting their kiddos through ticketing and embracing the distraction so we didn't have to think about what was coming.

The whole LAX crew

When it was time to say goodbye, I knelt down and hugged her tightly, kissed her cheek and told her she was a good girl and we loved her. I couldn't contain my tears and even though she was stronger than I was, she spilled a few too. I think we held it together pretty well all things considered. Andrey was trying to be lighthearted and said "no crying, no crying", but I'm still glad that she knows we were sad to see her leave and I'm also glad, as I had been several times during her visit, that she was able to express her emotions as well.

 












Greg and I were reflecting during the drive back from LAX last night that we are so thankful that we went into this process knowing that Nastya was not available for adoption and that she was "host only". It really freed us up to have fun with her, fulfill some of her requests for activities and work on getting her medical care. This doesn't mean we didn't love her, weren't intentional about parenting her or that we didn't grow attached, but I think it helped us to let her go knowing that she was only going to be ours for a little while. Some of our fellow host families are putting their future kids on a plane and will not see them for six months to a year at least. I can't imagine.


As far as Nastya's future goes, she asked us if we would have her back to visit. There are no guarantees that she will be available for future hosting periods, but we are hopeful that she will be. If nothing else, we hope we will be able to get her back over here for further medical care. I told her we have loved having her and we hope God will provide an opportunity for us to have her here again. This is the best we could promise and, although vague, I think she realized that this was not a forever goodbye for any of us.

Look at that smile...she knows she isn't rid of us yet!

She has shared with us that she has older siblings, some with their own families, who are gainfully employed (one works in a dairy...another on a farm) and who have never been in the orphan system. She seems to be very close to them (we sent back gifts for all of them) and says she sees them regularly. 

It still breaks my heart that she is growing up without parents, but I am hoping that when her time comes to strike out on her own, they will be there to at least offer guidance and keep her from falling prey to the awful prospects that face most of these kids. You can read my earlier post with the statistics here. While life in the Ukraine will certainly not be easy for Nastya, we hope she is the exception to the rule and we hope we can continue to have a positive influence on her life over the next several years.

As you all know, we have had tons of fun with her here. It was kind of like a four week vacation. But, just like when a great vacation comes to an end, we are exhausted. Our house is a mess. Our routine has been history for a long time. So, although we will miss her terribly, it is also somewhat of a relief to know that things will get back to "normal" again. Our lives will forever be changed by our time with her (and God willing vice-versa), but they will also go on until we can get her back over here again. 

I love this wild, silly girl, but I have to confess that a few of my tears today have been tears of relief!

I plan to have a future post dedicated to how hosting Nastya has positively impacted our family because there were many surprising ways. One of the biggest ways, and probably the least surprising, is the fact that we have become much more aware of the incredible need for families to reach out in meaningful ways to the orphaned children of the world. 

As I catch my breath in the coming weeks, I look forward to sharing the rest of our experiences with Nastya, but also hope to share some of the stories of fellow host families, stories of fostering, and stories of adoption as I run across them so that we can all become a little bit more aware and ask ourselves "what is it that God is calling me to do?"